First Dates Do’s and Don’ts

Going on a first date with someone can feel exciting and scary all at once. Sometimes when we are feeling anxious and not grounded we make choices, do and/or say things we might not have had we been anchored and connected to ourselves. So here are some thoughts about how to have a great first date.


Yes, I know that is easier said than done. Pretend you are going to meet a friend for coffee and notice how that feels in your body. Feel the ease with which you would approach that kind of date. Anchor that feeling in your body. If you can connect with the feeling of ease and relaxation in your body you will be able to recreate those feelings when you begin to feel yourself get anxious.

Have a short first date

This is especially true if you have never met the person before. Plan to meet at a café (or some other public place) for an hour. Have something planned afterwards. If you feel comfortable with the person and want to spend more time with them, you can always plan a second date.


It is easy to get distracted and preoccupied when you are anxious. But you will get a lot of information about the person if you keep your attention on your date and really listen to them. What do they talk about? What is important to them? How do they talk about their life? How do they connect with and include you in the conversation?

Pay attention to yourself

How do you feel when you are with this new person? Can you relax? Can you stay connected to yourself when you are with them? Is there room for you?

If you have non-negotiables put them on the table

Most people will tell you not to ask about things like marriage and children on the first date. However talking about things that are non-negotiable for you might be an important way for you to take care of yourself. If you know that your goal in dating is to meet a life partner and the person you are on a date with has no interest in a long term commitment doesn’t it make sense for you to know that right from the beginning? If you are dedicated to polyamory and the person you are on a date with only wants a monogamous relationship, don’t you want to know? If you have a dream of having children and the person you are on a date with doesn’t want or can’t have children for one reason or another, don’t you want to know now?