Month: December 2018

Resources

Cultivating Resilience

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If you are coming out of a depression or grief or any experience that has left you depleted and worried that you are vulnerable to re-entering that difficult state, here are some ways you can support yourself and cultivate your resilience.

Every Day

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes
  • Get outside and in sunshine for at least 10-15 minutes. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face.
  • Write 3-5 things you are grateful for in a Gratitude Journal.
  • Notice things around you that give you pleasure.
  • Drink plenty of water.
  • Eat well and on a regular schedule. Limit the amount of sugar and caffeine you consume.
  • Get 8 hours of sleep. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day.
  • Interrupt negative thought patterns and replace them with positive thought patterns. Fake it until you make it.

Three to Five Times a Week

  • Exercise-make sure you breathe hard and sweat for at least 20 minutes
  • Spend time with friends
  • Spend quality time with your family members (only if this is nourishing for you)
  • Do things that move you closer to your personal and professional goals. Write these activities down in a notebook so you can track your progress
  • Do something that is just for you, that makes you happy, that gives you pleasure
  • Spend 30 minutes to one hour in nature

Once A Week

  • Read a book or magazine that inspires you.
  • Do something creative—make something!
  • Go outside at night and look at the night sky to get perspective.
  • On Sunday evening, write down the things you are looking forward to in the coming week. If you can’t think of any, then schedule at least one thing so that you will have something to look forward to.

In General

  • Ask for help when you want it or need it.
  • See perceived mistakes as opportunities for growth and insight.
  • Be kind to yourself—treat yourself the way you would treat a very good friend or loved one.
  • Notice any warning sign that you may be feeling overwhelmed or overly stressed. Stop and assess what is going on and recalibrate to take care of yourself.
Resources

First Dates Do’s and Don’ts

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Going on a first date with someone can feel exciting and scary all at once. Sometimes when we are feeling anxious and not grounded we make choices, do and/or say things we might not have had we been anchored and connected to ourselves. So here are some thoughts about how to have a great first date.

Relax

Yes, I know that is easier said than done. Pretend you are going to meet a friend for coffee and notice how that feels in your body. Feel the ease with which you would approach that kind of date. Anchor that feeling in your body. If you can connect with the feeling of ease and relaxation in your body you will be able to recreate those feelings when you begin to feel yourself get anxious.

Have a short first date

This is especially true if you have never met the person before. Plan to meet at a café (or some other public place) for an hour. Have something planned afterwards. If you feel comfortable with the person and want to spend more time with them, you can always plan a second date.

Listen

It is easy to get distracted and preoccupied when you are anxious. But you will get a lot of information about the person if you keep your attention on your date and really listen to them. What do they talk about? What is important to them? How do they talk about their life? How do they connect with and include you in the conversation?

Pay attention to yourself

How do you feel when you are with this new person? Can you relax? Can you stay connected to yourself when you are with them? Is there room for you?

If you have non-negotiables put them on the table

Most people will tell you not to ask about things like marriage and children on the first date. However talking about things that are non-negotiable for you might be an important way for you to take care of yourself. If you know that your goal in dating is to meet a life partner and the person you are on a date with has no interest in a long term commitment doesn’t it make sense for you to know that right from the beginning? If you are dedicated to polyamory and the person you are on a date with only wants a monogamous relationship, don’t you want to know? If you have a dream of having children and the person you are on a date with doesn’t want or can’t have children for one reason or another, don’t you want to know now?

Resources

Perfectionism – A Relational Problem

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Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist? Nothing is ever good enough? You can’t work hard enough? Giving your all is still not sufficient? Procrastination plagues you? You certainly aren’t alone but, I am wondering if you would be willing to give yourself a break and allow yourself to be human.

What Might Happen?

One of the biggest worries for perfectionists is fear of failure. But it isn’t just failing that concerns you, it’s the meaning you give to it. If I fail, or am perceived to fail, it means I am not valuable or worthy. This is the core belief that plagues perfectionists. The underlying belief is that love, care, acceptance and connection are conditional. If I’m good enough I deserve love.

Can you see how that doesn’t make any sense? I’m not saying that experiences in your life didn’t teach you that, undoubtedly they did. I’m just pointing out that you are essentially lovable and that you always and without question deserve love, care and connection.

There is a lot written about perfectionism, what it is, where it comes from and how to address it and I can offer you some ideas for you to work with. But for now I just want to say something about self-love and self-compassion.

Connection between perfectionism and shame.

Shame is the feeling of unworthiness, an internal sense of badness that denies the possibility of connection. The classic example when talking to children is the encouragement to say, “I don’t like what you did, but I love you.” The action may be bad but the person is good.

So when being loved and in connection is predicated on being perfect, the child is in a no win situation. Perfectionism causes stress, rigidity, self-loathing, anxiety and shame. But not being perfect risks the possibility of ridicule, disappointment and worst of all disconnection from others.

Self-Compassion To the Rescue

When we can see how the seeds of perfectionism were planted it may be easier for us to be gentle with ourselves. I’ve never seen anyone change in a long-term sustainable way by being hard on themselves. When you imagine your young self in the bind I described above: perfectionism=ouch, no perfectionism=OUCH, you can see why you chose perfectionism. People always want connection and contact and will distort their true selves in any number of ways to have it. So perfectionism wins.

What a great decision you made to stay in connection. Now as an adult you can be gentle with yourself when you notice your perfectionistic tendencies. You can slow down and pay some attention to the young one who had so much at stake. Take some time to notice that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved in this moment. In fact, allowing yourself to be human by making mistakes and being vulnerable may bring you closer to other people

Resources

Valentine’s Day Reimagined

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Some of you may have read what I wrote specifically to those of you who long for a partner but have not found the right person. I encouraged you to give love and attention to yourself the way you would to your sweetheart. I’m curious if anyone tried that. What was it like?

This year, as Valentine’s Day approaches I want to write to those of you in relationship who are thinking about what you want to do for your beloved on February 14th.

We live in such funny times where there is so much emphasis on the material world: what you look like, what you own, what you wear. So many people buy roses or jewelry or candy for their valentine and think that is a wonderful representation of their love.

I want to challenge all you Valentines out there to dig a little deeper this year and give your Valentine a non-material gift. Give the gift of time. Time spent just being together, talking and enjoying each other may be the most loving gift you can give.

Here are a few gift ideas for your sweetheart that will say “I love you” more than a box of chocolate or a bouquet of flowers:

  1. Give a whole day to your partner. Do whatever they want to do. No questions asked.
  2. Take your loved one to a beautiful place in nature that is special to you. Best if it is a surprise—somewhere they have never been, that you love. Sharing that special place and taking time to be there together is a beautiful gift.
  3. Plan to go on an adventure that neither of you have ever been on together. If you don’t do the actual adventure close to 2/14, make sure the date is untouchable in your calendar.
  4. Sign up for a class together: dancing, art class, cooking, or a Good Vibrations class.
  5. Give your beloved a handmade book of coupons for massages or other special treats.
  6. Make your Valentine a handmade card. Take time to make it beautiful, elaborate, unusual and particular. Get inspiration here
  7. Spend the day doing something creative together. You set it up and have all the materials ready for your partner to enjoy.
  8. Give the gift that keeps on giving- Plant a tree, or a garden with your sweetheart.

I am sure you can come up with some of your own wonderful Valentine’s gifts that are about spending time with your sweetheart. Write and tell me what you did and how your Valentine responded.

Resources

Valentine’s Day

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Ahh Valentine’s Day… Martyred saints, bloody pagan rituals – Valentine’s Day has a long fascinating history way before Hallmark got a hold of it. These days most people either love it or hate it. The lovers are, well, usually the lovers. The haters are often single people who don’t want their noses rubbed in their aloneness, and partners who forget (or don’t care) about this holiday.

For those of you who are in the second category, I am writing to you. If you are single and want to be in a relationship, I have some ideas for you this Valentine’s Day. Instead of moping around and feeling sad that you don’t have a sweetheart, take this day as an invitation for self-love. Do something special for yourself: get a massage, buy a bouquet of beautiful flowers, go out to dinner at your favorite restaurant with a dear friend, take some time to be in nature and get some perspective on your life and situation. I want you to give to yourself what you will give to your lover when you have one. Love your self the way you want to love and be loved!

And one more thing…remember back in elementary school when you made little valentines for everyone in the class. I want to reinstate that ritual in the adult world. Make simple, sweet valentines to give to the people around you whom you love and even like. Spread the love: co-workers, the person who makes your latte every morning, the person who delivers your mail, friends and family. Let’s bring back Valentine’s Day as an inclusive, loving holiday.

Resources

Good Habits Build Great Relationships

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As couples therapist and relationship coach my desire is to help people create solid, sustainable relationships from the beginning. Part of that is making good choices about who to date and develop intimacy with and part of it is being aware of how solid relationships are formed and what helps keep them healthy and sustainable.

It turns out that people do research on this stuff so we have some experts to turn to. In particular John Gottman who works out of the University of Washington (http://www.gottman.com/) has studied thousands of couples and has some very good ideas about what creates strong, loving relationships that last. Drawing from of Gottman’s principles and my experience as a therapist, I have created this list of good habits. Here are the first two.

Good Habit #1: Be nice.

Kindness goes a long way in supporting relationships. Every time you act with meanness or mal intent toward your partner you make it harder to create trust and intimacy. Meanness causes scar tissue and too much scar tissue makes it hard to recover from small things and almost impossible to recover from big things. Likewise, every act of kindness in money in your relationship bank.

If you are not sure what meanness is I will spell it out here: Name calling, belittling, eye rolling. Lying. Yelling in a way that scares your partner, throwing things, breaking or destroying things that matter to your partner. Putdowns, expressing lack of confidence in your partner, making fun of your partner. I think you get the idea. All of these behaviors are mean spirited and corrosive to your relationship.

Good Habit #2: Care about your partner and love them for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Know what your partner loves to do, loves to eat, where they love to go for fun. Know their dreams and hopes and help them come true even if you don’t benefit. Notice the way they are in the world and appreciate them for that. Loving someone just because they love you often isn’t enough. It’s important to love and respect them for them, not just for what they do for you.

Good Habit #3: Create shared meaning.

There’s a quote I like that speaks to this idea:

“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman’s Odyssey

Sometimes couples create shared meaning through raising children, having shared interests, working together on projects. There are two levels of creating shared meaning. One is about what I just talked about. But the other is what will carry you through in the long haul. It has more to do with shared values—what the two of you really care about, what you want your lives to be about, how you find meaning in your life.

I think this is especially helpful to couples who are planning to raise a family. Once the kids are grown and out of the house, couples often look at each other and wonder what to do next. If their relationship has meaning above and beyond raising children (a noble and worthy pursuit) they will have a stronger relationship when they are, so called, “empty nesters”.

Habit # 4: Share Power

An imbalance of power in a relationship is corrosive over time. It’s not that the power has to be equal all the time but that it is important that both people feel powerful in the relationship. Allow your partner to influence you. Practice being more powerful in areas of your relationship where you under-function. This mixes up the power dynamic in a positive way. For example, if you usually wait for your partner to initiate sex, try initiating and see what happens. If you are often the one that makes decisions (what to do Friday night, what movie to see etc.) let you partner step forward to make that decision. If you feel that there is a big imbalance of power in your relationship talk with your partner and see if, together, you can even it out.

Habit #5: Fight fair and kind

Conflict is inevitable and often healthy in relationships. It’s how we resolve conflict and disagreements that make a big difference to the quality of a relationship. How do you approach your partner when you are unhappy about something or you need to bring up a difficult topic? Gottman talks about the “soft start-up” and points out that most arguments end the way they start. If you approach your partner gently, without attack or criticism, chances are you will have a more positive outcome.

Also consider what you are fighting for. Do you just want to be “right” or “win”? Or, do you feel strongly about something that really impacts you? How can you communicate your need in a way that your partner can hear? I can guarantee that shouting at them doesn’t help them hear your point.

If you feel so frustrated that you want to yell, take a break. Walk around the block (tell your partner that is what you are doing—don’t just walk out), drink a glass of water, put on some music that relaxes you. Do something that will ground you and deescalate the conflict.

Mean fighting creates scar tissue and everybody loses. Remember too, that if you have children they are learning from you about how to resolve their own conflicts. They will most likely do what you do, so stay conscious about what you are teaching your kids about how to resolve disagreements.

Habit # 6 Appreciate your partner more than you criticize

I have been hearing a lot about the concept of a “feedback sandwich” lately where you start with the positive, talk about the behavior that you hope to change and then end with a final, positive, encouraging word. People tend to respond better when they don’t just hear criticism. Gottman says that in successful relationships the ratio is about 5:1. For every negative word or criticism you say to your partner you should say five positive things.

If this is difficult for you to do, start slowly. Appreciate one thing about your partner every day for a week. Then notice two things every day that you appreciate. Keep doing this until you can think of five things that you appreciate. It’s like a muscle. As you practice appreciating your partner it will become easier to notice and to say your appreciations out loud.

While you’re at it, you might want to appreciate yourself too. Sometimes we have a hard time giving to others what we can’t give to ourselves.

Habit #7 Make Dedicated time to be together

It’s the curse of modern society that we pride ourselves on how busy we are. Make sure in all that busy-ness that you remember to set aside dedicated time to attend to your relationship. Being with each other in a relaxed, unhurried way is a gift that you can give each other at least once a week. Making time for each other will support all your other interactions.

Habit #8 Show love and affection often

Having great loving, connected sex is one way of showing love and being affectionate, but small gestures of affection have a big impact. Loving touch even a quick hug or kiss creates a fabric of love and good will. Rather than run out of the house to get to your meeting on time, take a moment and kiss your partner good bye. Home late and exhausted from your day? Greet your partner with a hug before you collapse in front of the TV. You are at a crowded party each catching up with friends. Take a moments and check in with your partner: a wink, a quick squeeze of the hand—these little gestures can keep you connected.

Habit #9 Make time to be apart-have a healthy independent life

At the beginning of a relationship (aka love jail) it can feel great to be with each other 24/7. Don’t be fooled, that’s just hormones impacting your judgement. Sometimes time apart can be as important as time together. Developing independent friendships, hobbies or interests can add vitality and liveliness to a relationship. Try to have some balance from the beginning. Having a healthy independent life will ultimately make you more attractive to your partner, give you a healthy foundation for your relationship and give you time to take care of yourself outside of time with your partner.

Habit #10 Be creative together

Creativity is sexy! Make things, build things, design things together. This can be part of #3 (creating shared meaning) or it can just be about creating things together that mean something different for each of you. Also, supporting your partner in their creativity is a very loving thing to do. Singing, dancing, drawing, knitting, sewing, welding, candle making, gardening, programming, cooking are all generative acts. Enjoy them together.

Resources

Food Matters

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Nutrition has a powerful impact on how we feel. There are so many new books coming out about how what we put in our bodies affects or minds. Though the science of nutrition may be complex, eating a healthy well balanced diet is not. Here are some tips and resources that can help you keep your mind and your body running smoothly all day.

  1. Eat breakfast and include some protein. Here are some ideas to consider. If you are vegan, here are some ideas for you.
  2. Bring healthy snacks with you. Everyone I know has described a situation where they find themselves hungry but not near nutritious food and resort to eating something that while filling the need in the moment, inevitable makes them feel worse later. Easy problem to solve: start putting portable snacks in your purse, gym bag, briefcase, pocket…whatever you carry around. My go to is nuts and berries—basically gorp. It is very portable, doesn’t need to be refrigerated, is small, can be eaten relatively quickly if needed and maybe best of all, does not require any prep. If you want more ideas, check this out
  3. Get in the habit of meal planning and advanced food prep. This is a hard sell but if you take it on, you may learn to love it. It helps you save time and money, could lower stress around preparing nutritious meals and inevitably decreases food waste.

There are several ways you can do this—some more extreme than others.

  • Pick one day a month and shop, prepare and freeze meals for the entire month.
    • Frozen Assets: Cook for a Day, Eat for A Month by Deborah Taylor-Hough
    • Fix Freeze and Feast: The delicious Money Saving Way to Feed Your Family by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik
  • Make enough food for leftovers. You can take them for lunch the next day or have dinner already prepared when you get home
  • Chop enough vegetables for two or three days of meals. This is especially helpful if you like to eat salads. Cooking dinner or throwing together a salad for lunch is so much easier if you don’t have to do the prep.
  • Get a slow cooker or MultiPot and have food waiting for you when you get home from work.
  1. Eliminate processed sugar from your diet. Crazy idea, right? Sugar is a drug. If you think I am exaggerating, read this article. If you struggle with depression, fatigue, brain fog or irritability and you tend to eat a lot of processed sugar, you might want to consider cutting back or giving it up. See above about healthy snacks.
  2. Drink lots of water. By the time you feel thirst you are already dehydrated. Dehydration can feel like hunger. Nothing more to say here, just do it!
  3. Try to just eat when you eat. No watching TV or, scrolling through Facebook or reading a magazine. Just eat. Taste your food. Take your time and enjoy the beautiful meal you cooked…or bought or microwaved.
  4. Eat with other people if you can. Check out this article if you are wondering why it matters.
  5. Be grateful. The Latin gratia is the root of the word we use for a prayer before a meal. Grace is a way to say thank you before you eat. It slows you down, connects you with yourself and the food that is about to nourish you and acknowledges the enormous gift of having enough to eat.
Resources

Homeopathy

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I am happy to talk with you about homeopathy and how it can support you. If you want to read about it, here are a couple of short articles describing homeopathy. The first, What Is Homeopathy? comes from The Society of Homeopaths based in the UK. The second article, Introduction To Homeopathy comes from the Whole Health Now website. As you learn more about homeopathy, remember that while it is a healing modality, it is difficult to understand how it works if you are using the allopathic (standard western medical) model. Homeopathy works within a completely different paradigm. Feel free to ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to answer them.

Resources

Sexuality

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Sometimes sex is hard to talk about. While I welcome candid conversations about the reality of your sexual life, sometimes it’s just easier to read about the things that interest or concern you. Here are some websites and blogs that might help.

LiveAbout.com is a great resource for all types of information about sexuality

Sex, etc. is a great resource written by and for teens

Maze has blogs with helpful articles about women’s and men’s sexual dysfunction. They are very sex positive and want you to be able to have great satisfying sex.